all my life

has been a lesson in learning to choke down words,

learning to live shrouded in silence,

learning to hide away my thoughts and feelings—

i still can never tell

if my secrecy is shame

or survival.

because i spent so long

rationalizing crushes as admiration,

pretending the way i felt about other people

was evidence of my maturity

rather than a lack of attraction.

because my queerness is an ink stain

seeping through the red of a Chinese flag,

because i know

what my parents think of a queer asian.

but

i am who i am

no matter what anyone says.

maybe i will never tell my parents,

maybe i still anticipate a rejection,

maybe i stopped looking to them for validation,

but i have come to accept myself,

and for that,

i am proud.