Trigger Warnings: Written depictions of parental emotional and physical abuse, homophobic slurs.

Filial piety; known to the Chinese as a virtue of respect to parents, elders, and ancestors. Owing them with loyalty and respect as they did to you through raising you.

It’s dark right now. Outside. I’m fine, perfectly fine. The streetlights blur the colours out of focus so it’s harder to see the stars. The sound of footsteps is still there, getting louder, so I turn toward it.

Mum barges into the living room. I know it’s about me because she has my phone in her hand. She’s seen my chat history with Ellie. Mum’s face is red, and she paces toward me, every step heavy and violent. She opens her mouth and says something. I don’t know what she’s talking about at first. Slowly, her voice gets louder. Not because she’s getting angrier, but because I start picking up the words she’s saying, and that slowly brings my attention back.

I wish it didn’t.

I hear:

filial piety

girls

need a man

girl

aren’t you?

girl

my daughter

girl

why?

—It hurts because I’m so shameful that it blinds my own mother—

and again and again and again and again and again,

—I can’t fight back because it’s true.

The sound doesn’t stop. I don’t want to endure anymore.

I blink.

It shouldn’t affect me this much, being called a faggot. But it does because I look like a girl, and sound like one, and live like one, and I can’t change any of that right now.

To the world right now, I’m just a faggot.

To Mum, I’m just a faggot.

Mum’s eyes widen, and she stops there for just a moment and yells, FAG.

She says it again and again.

Fag, fag, fag, fag, fag,

It comes in waves—

FAG, she says, then rams my head into the wall.

—and it gets worse—

FAG,

—I don’t say anything. I try to keep from crying—

My family did everything for me.

They keep me alive.

But Ellie,

She helps me want to be alive.

She’s Polaris in my darkness.

So I don’t fight back,

Because I know one day,

If I can resolve this the right way,

That all this enduring will be worth it.

F

A

G

!

She chokes me. I lose control and start crying harder. I blink a few more times and I notice my body is trembling.

I can feel the tears. They’re burning.

~ • ~

Mum comes into my room with ointment and a wet cloth. She hasn’t apologized. That means the shame is still there.

But I’ve suffered enough.

Mum doesn’t say anything; she just tends to my injuries.

I say, Mum?

She says, Yeah?

I say, I want to go somewhere. You can’t stop me.

It takes her a while, but she agrees.

~ • ~

I’m with Ellie now. She’s sitting on a bench, and I’m standing in front of her. I know that she doesn’t like me the way I like her. Still, she likes me enough to want to see me tonight.

I say:

Sorry. It seems, I’ve driven us to the edge of a cliff.

She doesn’t hesitate and says:

But at that edge of a cliff, I’m still here with you.

The sun’s setting, and the glow is fuzzing orange in her eyes.

There’s a quiet between us, so I sit down next to her. I don’t know what she’s thinking now, and I’m too tired to ask. I’m leaning my head against her shoulder, and I say nothing.

About the Author

Age seventeen, Iris Li is a biathlete, glider pilot, and storyteller. With an inability to express themselves in any other art form besides writing, they choose words on a piece of paper as their medium.