The Perfect Asian

The Perfect Asian (ðə ˈpɜːfɪkt ˈeɪʃ(ə)n) is an Asian child who has perfected all academic and social pursuits of life, including STEM, English, instruments, their native tongue, and religion (if applicable). They MUST NOT pursue the dramatic arts. The Perfect Asian is also known as a school of thought.

The Perfect Asian frequently grows up to become a lawyer, doctor, or engineer. Scholars of the concept call themselves “Asian Aunties,” the most prominent of which do research at prestigious institutions like “WhatsApp University.” This group frequently compares their children to each other in an attempt to push them to become a Perfect Asian. An easy way to identify the Perfect Asian is to simply observe the child’s family tree; cousin Amy is always the Perfect Asian.

Critics of the school of thought believe that the Perfect Asian does not exist. They assert that the ideology leads to unhealthy children who put all of their validation in their intelligence and how others perceive them.

They clearly haven’t seen this guy.

Characteristics

When God was in the design room, putting together the Perfect Asian, he blessed them with a mix of good and bad characteristics. (He had to balance out their stats somehow.)

The Perfect Asian is highly smart, obedient, hard-working, independent, meek, spiritually-sophisticated, and wealthy. Maybe that is just the model minority myth?

Either way, they are good at math and science, always live the American Dream, and never complain about having no boyfriend or girlfriend. If they are of the wealthy species of the Perfect Asians, they will have loads of generational wealth to spend on Gucci slides. If you hear their aunties asking what med school they want to go to and their friends complaining that they were easily admitted to Harvard, you have probably found yourself a Perfect Asian.

Physically-speaking, the Perfect Asian looks like a BTS or Blackpink member if they are South East/East Asian, or a Bollywood actor if they are South Asian. They measure at least 6” (male) or 5’7” (female) in height, and possess insane fertility. At the heart of it all, popular culture says that all Asians have a modestly-sized Tootsie Roll. The Perfect Asian says otherwise. Their greatest, most notable characteristic is the opposite. Just ask Red Pocket Magazine’s Editor-in-Chief—he’s the perfect example.

Customs, Rituals and Taboos

The B-sian

The B-sian is a taboo in the Asian community. It is believed that B-sians result from evil spirits that make children more interested in pursuing a career in the arts than maths and science—a grave nightmare. To prevent the child from becoming possessed, Asian parents perform a special chant to reprimand the child. This chant is performed when the child comes home with anything less than an A+. The chant is thought to knock the child’s brain cells back into activation and appease the Ivy League gods.

The Fruit Platter

Every once in a while, the Perfect Asian will receive a fruit platter from the Asian parent as a social gesture of truce. While the parent is never in the wrong, the fruit platter tells the child that they can now look the parent in the eye without having to undergo “The B-sian Chant”. Some scholars believe this is the Asian parents’ way of apologizing; however, most agree that Asian parents do not have the capacity to apologize.

The Translator

At the ripe age of four, the Perfect Asian is expected to translate government documents for their parents. It does not matter if they cannot even read yet, they better figure out how to translate those documents. The child may also be expected to write resumes and edit emails for their parents, even though they have no concept of what an employer would look for.

The Retirement Plan

Often the child of immigrants, the Perfect Asian is expected to be their parents’ retirement plan. Their parents often immigrate to a foreign country on a rickety wooden boat riddled with holes, their hearts filled with hope for the American Dream: a child attending an Ivy League. The child’s job is to repay this by selling their soul to investment banking or tech so that they may earn enough money for therapy for the entire family.

Stages of Life

Birth

At the minute an Asian soul enters the world, they are graced with the conditional love of their parents. They are promised a world of joy, opportunity, support, and administration—if they promise to aim for the Ivies. It is a beautiful kind of love. You can see in the parents’ eyes as the doctor hands them their first-born; filled with joy, relief, and astronomical future plans and expectations. It is a common ritual for the mother to whisper the names of top universities they would like their son/daughter to get into immediately after their birth. The Perfect Asian nods as soon as these expectations are whispered, affirming their promise to meet expectations before they take their first breath.

Study

Around the ages of 3-4, the Asian child is put into classes and programs, all in the interest of ‘getting ahead’. Parents will often make program choices based on initial aptitudes the child has displayed. Sometimes, parents may lay a series of items in front of a child at their first birthday to see which item the child will grab first. As parental guides often say, if your bouncing one-year-old grabs the calculator, congrats, he’s destined to be the next Newton!

Enroll him in Algebra 1 at your earliest convenience.

Alternatively, they may create schedules for the child based on their particular vision of the “Perfect Asian.” Oftentimes, their dream is something similar to a multi-award-winning piano-studying, competitive-dancing, soccer-playing, straight-A-receiving brain surgeon. It is a common occurrence for the Asian parent to pack their child’s schedule with 5+ activities before their fifth birthday, ranging across the academic, artistic, and athletic fields.

The Perfect Asian accepts these commitments without complaint, and even begs to take on additional commitments with vigour. They give up opportunities to trade Pokémon cards or play with Beyblades with their preschool classmates in order to devote themselves to their studies and practices. They smile through the pain fun. :)

Goals

Recent research has revealed that the Perfect Asian lacks any goals, dreams, hopes and wishes. Scientists are unsure about the true causes of this phenomenon, which they have dubbed the “Lost Asian” syndrome. The most popular hypothesis is that Asians have been nurtured to repress and push down their true passions, often due to their fears of disrespecting their families and parents. Thus, they become blank slates (tabula rasa) that are free to absorb the influences of everyone around them (parents, teachers, and tryhard keener classmates). It is likely why the Perfect Asian often experiences mid-teenage crises and mental breakdowns about the future, although they will never truly admit it. But they learn to deal with it with copious amounts of rice, so it all works out in the end.

Failure to Live up to Parents’ Expectations

Since the Perfect Asian has no goals of their own, their life is dedicated to chasing their parents’ expectations, which they are expected to fail. Regardless of the fact that these expectations were initially unattainable, they must live with the burden of guilt that their hard-working parents’ contributions have all been for naught; however, this is not the truth.

Death

The only suitable alternative after the previous stage is death, by old age.

In the years leading up to death, the perfect Asian becomes a Yappie, a word used to describe a Young Asian Professional that spends their years building the perfect life, never stopping to question what a “perfect life” means to them. They must acquire a significant other of the opposite sex and have at least one child. They are expected to adopt a small, white dog.

If, and this is quite rare, the perfect Asian finds great wealth in their career, they must marry a significant other (still of the opposite sex) of great status and beauty.

Grades

The Perfect Asian is meant to be the epitome of academic success.

Some may grow up with parents that were academically strict, but did not try to perfect grades to the last percentage. Those parents may have mottos such as "as long as you try your best, we understand, and we're proud of you."

However, other Perfect Asians may have grown up with Tiger Parents, and many are inclined to think of the classic Tiger Parenting method when associating Asians with grades. This method is often how the Perfect Asian is thought to have been raised. Activities may include hours of impromptu tutoring sessions likely resulting in excessive crying, along with report card scrutiny, playdate bans, and being yelled at for losing 1% off a test.

Typically, letter grade boundaries look like this (these vary depending on the country and province/state):

A: 86% and above

B: 73-85%

C: 50-72%

F: Anything below 50%

The Perfect Asian's (Tiger Parents') grade boundaries are slightly altered:

A: 99-100%

B: FAIL

C: GET OUT OF MY HOUSE

F: YOU'RE NOT MY CHILD ANYMORE

When questioned about their less than “stellar” grades, Asian children may argue that they have one of those teachers who gives out the same terrible mark for everyone even if a child has aced their evaluations. They reserve 90s only for “good students”...just so they can take some time off writing report cards. Other common arguments include:

“The teachers are only allowed to give out a certain number of As!”
“I got the highest mark in the class so it's okay!”
“[Name of smart person] did worse than me!”

The parents’ response?

YOU STILL DIDN’T GET AN A.

Of course, Perfect Asians usually choose to enforce the standards imposed on them for the sake of their own future. Part of it comes from the strict Asian school systems where their parents came from. This may clash with the Western schooling method, and jealousy often arises. Other classmates get much more relaxation time with less homework than Perfect Asians, who sometimes live with curricula that demand hours upon hours of studying every day. The perfect Asian may also believe that these behaviours cause laziness and will lead to an unsuccessful future, whereas their blood, sweat, and tears will lead to a high-earning, yet unfulfilling, career path, most likely chosen by their parents.

Food

The Perfect Asian exclusively eats rice. They may eat white or brown rice, with each colour having its own plethora of variations. In general, the Perfect Asian may also eat vegetable and meat side dishes, preserved vegetables, or seafood to accompany their rice, but the rice is always the main dish.

Under any circumstance, they must eat every last grain of rice. It is, without question, unacceptable to leave any behind. Each grain of rice carries the weight of the tireless farmer who worked 15-hour days in the burning sun to procure it.

At others’ homes, the Perfect Asian must eat several bowls of rice and other dishes to demonstrate an appreciation for the chef’s cooking.

In restaurants, the Perfect Asian must accept any food offered by elders, unless they wish to appear rude.